just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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