Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
