Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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