i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
