I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
