watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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