I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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