We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
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