There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
