Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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