Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
