After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
