i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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