Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
