also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
