TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
