my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
