Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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