Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
