i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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