I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
