Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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