i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
FUCK WHALES
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
