checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
