I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
