Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
