Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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