i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She just used a chaser for red wine.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
