I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
