but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
