At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
