That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
