I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I woke up under a house in Key West
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