capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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