someone get that fucking seahorse.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
