just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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