I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
