I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
