just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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