A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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