i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
