I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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