i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
