god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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