Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
