Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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