Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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