I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
