Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
