just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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