apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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